I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
You Might Also Like
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
New mindset, who dis?