10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
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Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Coffee for people with no kids
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.