[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
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i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.