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robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
I came this close!!!!
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Saw your ex at the shops
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.