i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
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me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport