When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
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[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
no such thing as a dumb question
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]