If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
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I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.