“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
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My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire