Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
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Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Sorry. Not sorry
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…