SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
You Might Also Like
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Cat.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine