I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
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(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Meme Monday.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.