doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
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Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
This will never not be funny 😭
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.