Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
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[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.