“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
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Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
excuse me
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
crochet youtube is brutal
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.