My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
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Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow