There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
You Might Also Like
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
we all know this pain all too well
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
got so much cardio in today
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset