I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
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My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.