I thought this was funny lol
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If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
The fall of Netflix
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.