“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
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Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Hank is one in a melon.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
I am a gravy boat captain
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏