Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
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What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.