mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
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ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are