Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
You Might Also Like
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”