I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
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My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
British websites use biscuits.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
time machine? you mean a clock?