Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
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Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!