damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
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In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
The answer is funnier than the question
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.