“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
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I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
repaired
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”