Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
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I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Breaking news:
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try