Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
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embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field