I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
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Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Facebook memories be like
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*