Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
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Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.