what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
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I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Best table by far
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
12. I think about this all the damn time
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.