oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
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All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.