My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
You Might Also Like
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.