*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
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Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
We all have our pet causes.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Effort made