I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
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I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth