Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
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Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good