Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
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Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
scares
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
The glory of fall.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
only 11 steps left
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.