Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
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Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
My love language is hissing.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
bury ourselves
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.