HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
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Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.