[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
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Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face