Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
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We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
knights of the ikea table
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years