[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
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Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Bartenders are just boneless bars
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
I’m aging like a fine banana
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.