Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
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A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Bed should get ready for ME
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Breaking news:
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*