worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
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Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV