Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
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Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
There’s always that one guy
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.