*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
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ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family