ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
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lost dog
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit