Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
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Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
$4 #usedbooks
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.