I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
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A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*