It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
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4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Sing it!
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.